Why Loving Your Dark Side Is the Key to Healing
Shadow work isn’t about fixing yourself, nor is it about listing everything that’s wrong with you, it’s also not about being negative or beating yourself up. It’s about flicking on the lights in that dusty, cluttered attic of your mind and embracing what you find. Picture this: you’re tripping over the same old crap, it could be stress-eating, dodging tough conversations, chasing chaos like it’s your side hustle or any other pattern that keeps showing up in your life.
Shadow work is an invitation to learn to accept and love the parts of yourself you’ve kept hidden, those weird, messy, delicious bits that everyone has, and say, “Hey, I see you, I love you, and I’m ready to play.” Imagine looking at your habit of binging ice cream at midnight, or your knack for picking the same unavailable partner and asking, “What’s the secret thrill here?” That’s shadow work: a wild, trippy path to healing that’s less about perfection and more about owning your gloriously imperfect self. Ready to turn on the lights and navigate life with a little more swagger? Let’s dive in.
Real-Life Shadow Work in Action (With All the Juicy, Messy Details)
Let’s talk about some extremely common situations. The following examples are based on common situations and not specific clients.
Imagine a session with Sarah, a client who decided to look deeper at her nightly snack attacks. Every day, like clockwork, she’d swear off the chips, only to find herself at 10 p.m., crumbs on her shirt, drowning in guilt. “I’m such a loser. What’s wrong with me?” she asked me. I think surprised her when I grinned and asked, “What’s the sneaky thrill in this sabotage?” Her knee jerk reaction was shock that I could even suggest such a thing. I explained what shadow work is and she paused, then laughed a little sheepishly and said, “It’s like I’m a rebel breaking out of jail after a day of being ‘good.’”
Bingo. Instead of fighting it, I told her, “Next time, lean in. Whisper, ‘I love how naughty this feels,’ and savor it like a badass.” She tried it, and the shame? Poof—gone. Suddenly, she saw the chips weren’t the point; she was craving freedom. So, she started saying “no” at work. The more she set boundaries and said those firm, fierce, fabulous “no’s” and more the snack raids faded. By embracing her shadow, Sarah didn’t just ditch a habit; she reclaimed her power in a way no diet ever could.
Now it’s time to meet Emily, an overwhelmed people pleaser who was desperate to break the habit of saying yes to everyone else and no to herself. Every day, she’s running herself ragged saying “yes” to everyone. Her boss needs a report ASAP? Sure. Her friend wants to vent for the third time this week? Of course. Her neighbor asks her to water their plants while they’re on vacay? Why not! By the end of it, Emily’s wiped out, secretly resenting everyone, and muttering, “Why am I such a doormat?” to her cat. Relatable, right?
So, we decided to do some shadow work to see what was really going on. Once she understood that shadow work digs into those hidden perks, we don’t admit to ourselves we started looking for the secret payoff. After some digging, she laughed and said, “Honestly? It’s kinda nice when they all think I’m the hero.”
There it was. What if next time she was about to say yes, she paused and whispered to yourself, ‘I’m the queen of saving the day, and I love it,’ and let herself soak up that feeling. Then when she had accepted how she felt she could decide if it’s worth it.” She gave it a whirl, and the resentment started melting away.
She realized she wasn’t a pushover. She was hooked on that warm, fuzzy feeling of being needed. So, she started mixing it up: saying “no” sometimes but also finding other ways to feel like a rockstar. The more she owned that shadow side, the less she needed everyone’s approval to feel good. By embracing her desire to be a hero, Emily didn’t just learn to set boundaries; she found balance within herself.
And Jen? Oh, Jen was a pro at burying her creative itch. She grew up with parents that didn’t approve of wasting your time creating when you could have a “real” job. She was ashamed of her longing to paint and had dismissed it as pointless. As happens in these situations the emotions would sneak out anyway. Jen hated it but she found herself snapping at her kids, scrolling TikTok until her eyes burned and she felt restless and raw.
In our session, she finally confessed, “I love how indulgent it feels to create. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but it’s like stealing a moment of joy just for me. What kind of mom does that make me?” The answer to that is a creative mom who needed to give herself permission to let go of the judgement and create. She agreed to give herself ten minutes a day, ten minutes with no rules, no pressure, just time to create something.
She ended up grabbing markers (yep, this happens that often, sometimes it is knitting or painting) and started scribbling. “It’s like I’ve been starving for this” she told me, her voice lighter than I’d ever heard. She didn’t need a gallery show—just that tiny act of permission sparked a quiet, electric joy that rippled into her whole life. Shadow work let her stop running and start reveling.
Why This Playful Approach Matters (Spoiler: It’s a Total Game-Changer)
Shadow work isn’t just quirky, it’s revolutionary. Forget the heavy, guilt-soaked self-help tropes. This is about embracing your flaws and finding the gold buried in them. Why does it matter? Because it hands you the keys to your unconscious; like why you keep picking fights, procrastinating, or clinging to comfort zones that feel more like cages. Peel back those layers, and you’ve got self-awareness on steroids: a crystal-clear view of your patterns, so you can ditch the ones that suck and lean into what lights you up. It’s about upgrading your life so your choices match who you want to be.
But wait, there’s more: this stuff heals. Those buried emotions aren’t the enemy. Shadow work says, “Come out, let’s chat.” By giving them a playful nod instead of a cold shoulder, you process the gunk and let it go. Clients describe it as dropping a backpack they didn’t know they were carrying. I see it during sessions their shoulders relax, they breathe deeper, and peace sneaks in. This work can also transform your relationships. You stop blaming your partner for your own restlessness or your boss for your burnout, and suddenly, you’re connecting on a level that’s real, raw, and electric.
At its core, shadow work frees you to live as your whole, untamed, deliciously complex self, without old scripts holding the reins.
How to Start Embracing Your Shadows
I'm here as your zero-judgment guide. Think of me as the friend who cheers you on while you rummage through your inner chaos. You don’t need a sage stick, a fancy degree, or a perfect meditation streak. All it takes is a spark of curiosity and the guts to say, “I’m ready to love even the weirdest parts of me.”
Here is a dead-simple exercise to kick things off:
Notice the Habit: Next time you’re knee-deep in something you “hate”—overthinking, scrolling, snapping at your dog—pause. Breathe.
Be Curious and Embrace It: Ask yourself, “I’m having so much fun doing this, and I love it!” Feel the secret thrill, no shame allowed. Notice how the energy shifts—does a grin sneak in? Does the urge loosen its grip?
Dig Deeper: Ask, “What’s this really about? What do I actually need?” Maybe it’s rest, a boundary, or a wild burst of fun. Honor that need, even if it is in a tiny way like a five-minute dance break or a giving a firm “no” to an energy vampire.
Repeat and Revel: Try it again tomorrow. Watch how your shadows start to feel less like foes and more like mischievous allies.
This isn’t about changing yourself overnight. It’s about recognizing and hugging your shadows and seeing where they lead.
